I sit through the night sipping beer, not having worked or been in school in eight months, staying up till dawn and hardly getting any reading done, sleeping all day, with nothing for me on the horizon, no prospects of a job or desire to get one, an aversion to signing up for another class. I sit and sip beer and tea all night, chain-smoking, doing nothing but sitting and thinking: and it suddenly dawns on me: I have betrayed God, I have betrayed everything good: more than that, I have betrayed myself. I have given myself up to my vices, to the Budweisers I go through like sodas, to the cigarettes that make me cough and make my lungs hurt, to my 12 hours of sleep a day, to the pornography I think kindly on at least once a day. I have no desire to better myself; I have no desire to improve or change my life; I have resigned myself to live and die in this way, never having fully explored my consciousness and the world it apprehends, never having read everything I want to read, never having graduated college, never having succeeded at practicing Islam. I have turned my back on everything; I have no faith, I have no God, I have turned my back on my very soul. What is there left for me? Where is the innocence I once had that let me believe in God, and vow to devote my life to him, in the midst of psychotic agony ten times worse than what I have now? Will I never try to get a job; will I never yearn to have a career, to earn my own bread, to accomplish something?