I am allowed out of my apartment for two hours a day; once at noon, and the second hour from six to seven p.m. I do not always go out when the hour comes, and so when I don't I have fresh reason to hate myself. Ah, but to be out in the city, to feel its electric hum & bustle--but it is just as fine to soak it in through my window. I do not think the city is less beautiful than the wilderness. I spent many years of my life in the wilderness--in the very Categorical Bog--and I found it an uncomfortable, dangerous & unforgiving place. The city has just as many monsters, just as many freaks of nature. If it were up to me the whole face of the earth would be covered in towers & paved roads; and it would be just as interesting to walk through this hive of an earth as it is to wander through the mountains & deserts it has now, there would be just as many dangerous monsters, ugly mutated creatures, things like myself that cry out: "I ought not to have ever been." Ah, I am glad for it when there is something I have to buy, and so I must go somewhere at my out time. I cannot be trusted to motivate myself if I have nothing to get, but will sit in my apartment through the day looking mournfully out the window and hate myself when my out hours have expired. I always feel better on an evening when I have gone out that day. But I do not feel any better when I am actually out.